News!
Scientists Get Their H.E.A.D.s Together
Scientists today announced they have discovered a fundamental, new doorway into "another dimension," as Dr. Archibald Pate of the State University of New Jersey (SUNJ) told reporters earlier today.
Dr. Pate and his extended team, both here and abroad, have developed a new device called a Holographic Enigma Adjustment Device (H.E.A.D.), of which there are now several in working order. Using the device, the researchers have discovered several realms in what they call an alternate dimensional matrix.
"There may be dozens, even hundreds or thousands, of other dimensions" besides this one said Pate. Asked how the H.E.A.D.s worked, Pate said that once an internal hologram was in place, the device gave certain "shocks" that caused a "spectrum" of enigmas to appear. Various controls in each H.E.A.D. allow these enigmas to be manipulated, until other realms are apprehended. Apparently in development for many years, the H.E.A.D.s performed better than expected according to Pate. "It's better than beating your feet in the Mississippi mud," was all he would say about it.
The most exciting facet of this development, however, is that these other dimensions may have sentient beings in them. "And these guys are way cool," remarked Pate. "They seem to know a great deal that we don't know. We are anxious to learn more from and about them." However, this reporter has learned that Harry Foote, a professional bureaucratic infrastructure policy maker from the All Better Closed Door Excuse Facility (AB-CD-EF), has contacted the FBI to look into possible national security issues. "These are aliens, and they shouldn't be getting visas to come here," said Mr. Foote. "They're probably dangerous," he added.
The SUNJ research was not supported by any kind of institutional grant whatsoever, according to Dr. Pate, so it is all the more amazing any H.E.A.D.s were developed at all. "It just happened, after a lot of work," said May B. Duinit, one of Pate's research associates.
In a related development, Glynis Kundry, aged 13, is suing her parents, Coel and Prissy Kundry, for allegedly forcing unwelcome thoughts in her head. "The childhood joy I remember is nearly gone," asserted Miss Kundry. Her parents could not be reached for comment. This reporter, however, took it upon herself to put Miss Kundry in touch with Dr. Pate. "We'll just see about that," she said.